It has been a while since I posted. I just now realized that when I have these long pauses in my writing, it is usually because something crazy is happening in my life. So, as long as I am writing, things are good. If I stop, then you should all take it as a red flag warning.
I can't possibly begin to wrap my head around the events of the last year enough to post an insightful post. So many things happened as I started to transition my life. I have been in a constant state of change and transition over the past year. I would like to thank those people who stood by me and who were understanding as I went through those changes.
I have been working for a while to get myself out of a hole I have been living in. The whole year it felt like I would get my head to the top and someone or something would stomp on my hand and I would lose my grip and slip back in. It hasn't ended (that struggle to improve) but I am finally out of that hole and I got out with the help of one GIANT kick to the stomach. I know that sounds like something that would send you hurling back down the hole, but something amazing happened instead. I felt the pain as the blow was dealt, and instead of doubling over, I stood there and let the pain settle, that is when I was amazed. The pain, once it wasn't coddled, filled my body with adrenalin, the exact stuff I needed to pull myself the rest of the way out of that hole. Now, here I am, looking at the mountain I need to climb but undeniably happy that I am not starting from inside the hole... because that sucker was hard to get out of!
Enough about the hole. I can't give you a rundown of the year so I will just talk about a few things...
I went on vacation in December to see family. I was really happy to see all of my nieces and nephews and I fell in love with all of them again! I wouldn't exchange those moments for anything. The rest of my trip was... well, lets not get into that. I wouldn't be able to articulate the frustration I had on the rest of my trip. I will however say that I had a good time traveling and getting to spend some time with my Mom and sister. Again, I wouldn't exchange those moments for ANYTHING!
I was totally amazed that I didn't gain weight while I was home, I actually lost 4 pounds. Yay for stress! ha ha ha!
I am still in Brazil and still working. Other than that, everything else has changed.
What is different? Everything! I sleep, dream, eat, walk, cry, love, hate, feel, live, work and most of all FEEL different. None of these are for the worse, but all of them are different. I think it is the natural process of growing from the self conscious and co-dependent person I was, into the self confident independent person I am becoming. I don't expect the changes to stop and I don't want them to. I have loved and laughed this year as well as cried and screamed. I don't consider ANY of it a waste of time. Actually, I learned the most from some of the worst moments and in the good moments I was able to recover strength to continue the changes.
I will continue to allow myself to change and to grow and become a better version of myself. BUT and that is a very big BUT... if by chance I have a bad day, week, month or couple of months and I stop in the middle of my climb to the top, stay put and watch, because that pause just means I am gathering strength for a big push.
And to those who say that you shouldn't write anything personal on the
internet, I say, my my how very small and inconvenient your world is. If
nobody opened up and shared what was inside, some of the greatest
movements the world has seen would never have happened. Do you not think
that some of the great painters were not telling us about their deepest
secrets though the oil and canvas medium? Do you not realize that some
of their greatest struggles were made public through this medium and for
generations we have learned to FEEL through paintings because of it.
Don't be so scared about being judged. No matter how big your secret is, your neighbors will be bigger. If your group of friends will judge you harshly because you express yourself, then you need to find yourself another group of friends.
Learn to love your struggles, your quirks, your emotions and your secrets and thank God when you have made peace with them.
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I have been feeling the urge to write about things that are quite off topic for this blog about my life in Brazil, so I am going to be setting up a blog where I can express myself more freely (oh my! run and hide! ha ha ha) I will let you know when it is ready.
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