Residency

So, I know that most people don't know what I have been through to get my permanent residency and I don't expect anyone to be excited for me. I am really excited today though because after years of process after process, I have finally received the ID card.  I actually have it in my hands!!! Once again I don't expect anyone else to share in the joy... but for me, this is a big milestone. I don't have to worry about it for another 8 years. I can't believe it! 

Now your're just somebody that I used to know

I am sure we have all at some point been able to associate with parts of this song. I love the chorus...


But you didn't have to cut me off  
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing 
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger And that feels so rough
 
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
 
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over But had me believin it was always something that I'd done.

  I love the video as well!

Making a promise has never been so confusing.

If someone tells you that they made a promise to not do something, what do you think?  Let's just say for example, that you hear someone say that they promised they would not use Facebook. what is the first thing that comes to your mind? I had this happen to me a few weeks ago. In my mind when I heard the person saying they had made a promise, I assumed that they had promised their mother or brother that they wouldn't do the thing they were promising. I, in my ignorance, asked about the promise and my question was met with a look of surprise. I was told that I wasn't allowed to know about the promise. I guess this person assumed I knew what the heck they were talking about. All I could think of is what terrible thing happened that drove someone to make a promise like that.

It actually took me a few days to figure out that it was something similar to giving up for lent. Apparently it was something they promised God or a Saint that they would not partake of, in exchange for that sacrifice they expected something back. Wow, big difference from what was in my mind. The whole "you can't know" attitude made sense after that. I have blown out candles before and made a wish and we all know we can't tell those wishes, but a promise had me very confused.

I was relieved to know that I was not the only one who made this mistake, as another American also assumed that it was a personal promise to family or friends. It just didn't cross my mind that it was a spiritual request. I guess if the person had said they gave it up for lent, I would have understood, but it isn't even lent and the person speaking isn't Catholic... so, that leads me to believe that some of the Catholic traditions are an intrinsic part of Brazilian culture.

This got me thinking about how ingrained the Catholic church is in the Brazilian culture. I thought about how there are things that I say in Portuguese that I would never dream of saying in English. Some of the things that are very common to hear:
Holy Saint Catherine - You say this when you are surprised or baffled by something.
Our Lady of Aparecida- You say this when you are surprised or baffled by something.
Go with God- You say this to the person leaving.
Stay with God- You say when you are leaving, you say this to the person staying.
I believe in God the father almighty - you say when something is shocking and scary (protection)
God Free me - You say this when you don't want something bad to happen.

These are just a few of the expressions I hear every day but would never dream of using them in English. I can and do say them in Portuguese because they mean absolutely nothing to me, they are just a form of expression. It is just a small example of how the Catholic church is a big part of the Brazilian culture.

I wasn't raised in a Catholic culture so sometimes these things just fly over my head.

Wake back up Brazil!

Ok so now that all the drama is out of the way... lets post something positive.

Carnival is coming! Okay so I can't say that I get all excited about it, but I do love the spirit of it all. The first year that I arrived in Brazil and I saw how Brazil "LIVED" Carnival, I started saying that "Brazil goes to sleep at new years and only wakes up again for Carnival" After Carnival is when life in Brazil starts again. This is clearly reflected in the amount of students who show up for class before Carnival compared to after Carnival. So... I am getting prepared for Brazil to wake back up this month!

Ahem... you should know...

It has been a while since I posted. I just now realized that when I have these long pauses in my writing, it is usually because something crazy is happening in my life. So, as long as I am writing, things are good. If I stop, then you should all take it as a red flag warning. 

I can't possibly begin to wrap my head around the events of the last year enough to post an insightful post. So many things happened as I started to transition my life. I have been in a constant state of change and transition over the past year. I would like to thank those people who stood by me and who were understanding as I went through those changes.

I have been working for a while to get myself out of a hole I have been living in. The whole year it felt like I would get my head to the top and someone or something would stomp on my hand and I would lose my grip and slip back in. It hasn't ended (that struggle to improve) but I am finally out of that hole and I got out with the help of one GIANT kick to the stomach. I know that sounds like something that would send you hurling back down the hole, but something amazing happened instead. I felt the pain as the blow was dealt, and instead of doubling over, I stood there and let the pain settle, that is when I was amazed. The pain, once it wasn't coddled, filled my body with adrenalin, the exact stuff I needed to pull myself the rest of the way out of that hole. Now, here I am, looking at the mountain I need to climb but undeniably happy that I am not starting from inside the hole... because that sucker was hard to get out of!

Enough about the hole. I can't give you a rundown of the year so I will just talk about a few things...

I went on vacation in December to see family. I was really happy to see all of my nieces and  nephews and I fell in love with all of them again! I wouldn't exchange those moments for anything. The rest of my trip was... well, lets not get into that. I wouldn't be able to articulate the frustration I had on the rest of my trip. I will however say that I had a good time traveling and getting to spend some time with my Mom and sister. Again, I wouldn't exchange those moments for ANYTHING!
I was totally amazed that I didn't gain weight while I was home, I actually lost 4 pounds. Yay for stress! ha ha ha!

 I am still in Brazil and still working. Other than that, everything else has changed.

What is different? Everything! I sleep, dream, eat, walk, cry, love, hate, feel, live, work and most of all FEEL different. None of these are for the worse, but all of them are different. I think it is the natural process of growing from the self conscious and co-dependent person I was, into the self confident independent person I am becoming. I don't expect the changes to stop and I don't want them to. I have loved and laughed this year as well as cried and screamed. I don't consider ANY of it a waste of time. Actually, I learned the most from some of the worst moments and in the good moments I was able to recover strength to continue the changes.

I will continue to allow myself to change and to grow and become a better version of myself. BUT and that is a very big BUT... if by chance I have a bad day, week, month or couple of months and I stop in the middle of my climb to the top, stay put and watch, because that pause just means I am gathering strength for a big push.

And to those who say that you shouldn't write anything personal on the internet, I say, my my how very small and inconvenient your world is. If nobody opened up and shared what was inside, some of the greatest movements the world has seen would never have happened. Do you not think that some of the great painters were not telling us about their deepest secrets though the oil and canvas medium? Do you not realize that some of their greatest struggles were made public through this medium and for generations we have learned to FEEL through paintings because of it. Don't be so scared about being judged. No matter how big your secret is, your neighbors will be bigger. If your group of friends will judge you harshly because you express yourself, then you need to find yourself another group of friends.  Learn to love your struggles, your quirks, your emotions and your secrets and thank God when you have made peace with them.

------
I have been feeling the urge to write about things that are quite off topic for this blog about my life in Brazil, so I am going to be setting up a blog where I can express myself more freely (oh my! run and hide! ha ha ha) I will let you know when it is ready.

Thanks!

Mom had a tradition of sitting down at the Thanksgiving table and asking each of us to take turns saying what we were thankful for that year. This usually ended up with the one speaking getting a bit choked up and as kids we dreaded our turn. So we would quietly wait, just hoping Mom would forget about the tradition for one year. Of course she never forgot and we would always end up taking our turn. 

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, even though I can't be at the table with my Mom, I want to take my turn. 

--I am thankful that I have both of my parents alive and healthy and that they both STILL love me ;)  I am on another continent I can still feel the love!!! I am thankful for the examples of dedication and love they have given me through my life. 

--I am thankful for my sister. She is an incredible woman and I have so much that I can learn from her. I love you!

--I am thankful for my brothers.  I have got three of the best brothers anyone could ask for. I am thankful for everything you guys have ever done for me!!! I love you guys and you (along with my sister) definitely make my list of heroes.

--I am thankful that I am an aunt 12 times over. I love every single one of those kids and am so incredibly thankful  and excited that I will get the chance to see all of them in just a few weeks!!!  

--If I think back to November of last year, I would have never guessed that I would have come so far. I had so much personal growth this year that I am hardly recognizable… and that is a good thing!  I made one goal and once I reached it, I made another and when I reached that I made another, and on and on it went. I am thankful for STRENGTH. 

--I am thankful I have a job that I enjoy.  I am thankful I have a cool boss (who might read this… so I will follow this with a big ;) (wink))

-- I am thankful for sacrifice, those who do/have done it for me and those who allow/have allowed me to do it for them. It is an integral part of our growth and it makes us stronger.  

--I am thankful for my sub-family and friends here in Brazil… the ones who treat me like I am one of the family and love and respect me. Thank you so much for everything you do! 

--I am thankful for sushi… without it, the world would be... well... just boring.

Travels ahead

I know it has been a month but I haven't been able to find the time to write in my blog.

I bought tickets to visit my parents and I am really excited to go. My brothers have bought tickets for me to fly and visit each of them. I really can't wait to see the kids again!!! I have not even met one of them and she is growing up so fast and hasn't met her tia yet.

I am going to be in the states for a little over a month. I am going to be joined by a friend there and then my Mom, sister, friend and I are all going to travel around the west coast. I am totally stoked! I can't even tell you how long it has been since I had a road trip with my sister! The last road trip I had was with my Mom and it was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go!!! It will be in the winter so we are a little crazy but I think it is fitting! The only sad part is that Mari can't be there. She is going to try and compensate for not being able to go, by visiting Buenos Aires for a week.

My head is still so wrapped up in things going on here though, that I have not been able to concentrate on getting my paperwork in order. I don't really know if there will come a time that I will feel like doing it, but I need to get it done soon.

Bridesmaids!

I just wanted to post this recommendation. I just finished watching Bridesmaids. I guess it is just my humor, or perhaps I just relate very well to the story and the challenges the characters have. It reminded me of some people in my life and I laughed so much I couldn't breathe. There is one character that I totally identified with and I love that about this movie. I am not writing a review, I am just saying if you would like to see crass humor that doesn't involve men farting... then you should watch this.  Try to find the unrated version!!!

Don't you just __Love___ crazy people?

Don't you just __Love___ crazy people? At first we think it is cool to try and figure out their minds. Then once you think you have it figured out, they change the game on you. Once you get used to the second game, they tell you the first game never existed. As you recover from the shock of such a blow, you start to gravitate towards your own personal insanity. Then... you develop a cunning plan, you decide to be "honest" about everything in an attempt to free them from their social restraints. Once you have been "honest" they deny you any rights to "feel".
Don't you just _____Love_____ crazy people?  One morning you wake up with them (figuratively) sitting at the foot of your bed and you think to yourself... how the heck did they get here? As you are pondering this deep abyss of a thought, you raise your head off your pillow and find they have moved to your purse and have taken out the car keys. In that moment you know they have the better of you and only a mad dash across the room would save you both. You visualize the rescue in your mind and plan your every move in an instant before you leap. The worst part is, when you jerk yourself from your position you find that your strength has been taken and you can only watch in silence as they walk out the door.
Don't you just _____Love_____ crazy people? They are everywhere. They are our friends, our boyfriends, our neighbors, our cousins. They seem to be taking over the world. But, there are those rare cases where you find someone so crazy that not even YOU are prepared to handle. My advice to you, walk away before they destroy your life!

It is in the silence that we must listen.

I was reading Seth Godin's blog this morning and again I came across a post that I would like to comment on.

He says:

"Not fade away

Most partnerships don't end up in court.
Most friendships don't end in a fight.
Most customers don't leave in a huff.
Instead, when one party feels under-appreciated, or perhaps taken advantage of, she stops showing up as often. Stops investing. Begins to move on.
No, I'm not going to sue you. Yes, I'll probably put my best efforts somewhere else.
Just because there are no firestorms on the porch doesn't mean you're doing okay. More likely, there are relationships out there that need more investment, quiet customers who are unhappy but not making a big deal out of it. They're worth a lot more than the angry ones."

I can't begin to tell you about how many times this exact thought has crossed my mind. Perhaps the thought was not as well organized as Seth's post, but the content of his post has crossed my mind on many occasions. I very frequently encounter situations where an individual has assumed that things were running smoothly because there were no complaints. He comments that "just because there are no firestorms on the porch that doesn't mean you're doing okay" and then mentions that quiet customers may not be happy but are just not making a big deal about it. It is true that perhaps most of them are quite satisfied but I would like to take a look at and comment on this attitude of interpreting the silence. 

It isn't normal for everyone to walk through life just assuming that everyone is unhappy and that in the "quiet customer" or in the "quiet friend" there is an unhappiness with the service/attention given. I do think however that Americans in general tend to question the silence a bit more than others. I recently gave thought to the idea that perhaps I was raised to be less naive about my friends and those I come into contact with. I never looked at silence as a sign of satisfaction. I have always felt more uncomfortable around people who are even keel. When there is no emotion expressed, my red flags go up. Perhaps this is a mentality passed down from my entrepreneurial great-grandmother or perhaps it is an American mentality. 

If I go one step further into this (as I am about to do) then I would like to draw attention to the idea that... Americans read words. We have been programmed to read words because we don't express as much through physical contact.  We need to take the words that someone says, the intonation with which they are said and combine that with the body language that projects those words and only then do we process it. I have only been able to recognize and understand this a bit more while living here in Brazil.

For someone who is not used to reading through words,  it can become a confusing process (as I have recently encountered with an American who lost contact with the culture) to learn how to communicate this way. I like to think of it as the process of waking back up and becoming less naive, since you inevitably have to look past the easily faked physical contact and literally see peoples words. It can be a very painful process to become aware of people's true feelings. Most people would prefer to live in oblivion and hear only what someone chooses to communicate to us. However, when your position or friendship depends on not  doing that, then you must learn to read the words being spoken and listen during the silence.

Last Wednesday, I was having a discussion with one of my students when something about this subject came up. The student is about to travel to the USA and she is very worried that she will feel bad once she arrives there. She has heard from several people that Americans don't greet with a kiss and won't usually express satisfaction with seeing someone through physical contact. As a Brazilian she is used to reading through body language. She knows that when she sees a friend after a long separation that there will be lots of hugs and kisses and the persons body language will tell her that they are happy to see her. My discussion with this student drew me to the conclusion (one that I expressed to her) that... Just as much as she is reading the body language, Americans are telling you the same thing through their words. Just because we are ot invading your personal space, does not mean that we are not happy to see you. Stop for a moment and listen to what we are saying, it is through our words that we are expressing our love and happiness with you. Perhaps later she could sit down and read her friends blog and find out what he/she truly felt when she arrived. :)

Where does that leave me though... someone who was raised as as a very vocally expressive individual who communicates primarily though my words, and is now learning to express myself physically as well. I guess it leaves me being very confused about who is saying what, and is leaving me very sensitive to the vocal and physical silence. Not expressing to me either vocally or physically how you feel leaves me empty and unsatisfied with you. Like I said... even keel is not my thing. So, the way I see it, just as much in the professional world as in the personal one, I need to find a balance between the two. The ideal mix of physical and vocal expression. I need to fill my life with those who can maintain that balance as well. I need people around me who can hear me when I speak and when I don't. I need to be around people who will let me hear them as well. Those who prefer to sit in silence have not yet learned that one important step in human development, to allow others to feel and fill in the voids. 

Bringing this back to Seth's post... I think that whether you live in a physically expressive society or a vocally expressive society, you will ALWAYS need to pay attention to the quiet ones. We need to remember that they exist and that perhaps they are not as happy as we think they might be. Perhaps we could find a way to make them a bit more satisfied and turn them into happy talkative costumers/friends. If we leave them to their silence, we may potentially lose them.

Observation.

I know it has happened to almost everyone of us. You are in the middle of a conversation and you start to realize that the person is no longer looking at you, they are either looking past you, or perhaps looking at someone else at the table. It can be a rather solitary moment when you realize that you are no longer being talked to or participating as an active member in that conversation. Somber moment, when you perhaps look down at the table and look for a napkin to tear up to make spit balls out of. Perhaps you even become creative and build a house out of sugar cubes or if you are really talented you can try building a seesaw and stick men out of toothpicks.

What do you do in those moments?

Me? I have almost perfected the spinning a toothpick on my nose trick.

Runner

Well, I did it, I signed my life away! I am locked into a year contract with a gym. It is really really expensive and I hesitated to go for it... but I knew that it was the only way to get me committed to doing it. If it was cheap, I would never go.  The best thing about it is that it includes the pool. I am a fish and I love the water!

So, today I am going to look for a swimming suit, this might be the most difficult task for the entire year. Finding a swimming suit for a girl my size isn't the easiest task in Brazil. In the USA it is difficult for other reasons, my size is usually the first sold in the states. In Brazil, I am lucky if they make my size. Anyway, about to change that I hope :)  I am totally excited about it. They have so many classes I want to participate in, like boxing :D he he he!

I am sure this is not the last time you hear about the gym, it is a year contract after all. :-)

Finality

The sun is finally shinning and if you sit still long enough, you can feel it start to heat up your skin. I have strategically placed a chair in a sunny spot on the back porch where I can write and take advantage of this beautiful morning. Finality- Why would I want to talk about finality on such a beautiful morning. It isn't for lack of a better subject, I am sure

I have struggled with the idea that once something changes, it changes for good. If I am brutally honest with myself and in turn, with you, I would have to say that it has been a destructive force throughout most of my life. It has caused me to give up on things that I thought were gone for good. It has forced me to walk wrong paths to avoid confronting it. It is always there, in the back of my mind and when it is called on, it never fails to appear. Like a hot blade through butter, it can annihilate any relationship I have, with ease.

Anyway, with that butter analogy in your mind, lets bring out the toast of this post (ha ha that rhymes). The reasons why finality brought along a chair and strategically picked the sunniest spot in my mind. I don't really know for sure which, if any of these reasons where the main culprit in chiseling this problem into my mind. Here are just a few:

TOAST- When I was about 9 years old, I was in Gymnastics, Dance and I was preparing for the Hershey's track meet where I was one of the fastest runners in my class. Everything was good, I was a pretty happy kid. Then everything came to a dead end when I was diagnosed with Perthes. The world stopped for me. I was not even allowed to play with my friends because the activities they were doing would have caused more damage to my hips. In my young brain, I must have interpreted this as an end. Everything ended in a moment for me and I was never able to accomplish the things I had dreamed of as a little girl.

Then... I found one friend who didn't judge me, who didn't bully me because of my leg braces. She came over to play a lot during the time I was dealing with the disease. She was also very sick, she was born without a wall to separate the blood in her heart. We were both not able to run and play, so we were able to find things to do that didn't demand physical exertion . I grew very close to her and held on to her as tight as I could. I was very jealous if my sister tried to play with her, because I felt she was taking the only friend I had.

JELLY FOR THE TOAST - Then, one day, her illness finally got the best of her and she passed away during heart surgery. She knew she was going to die before she went into surgery. She sat on the bed and told her mom that angels were there to make sure she made it home. The only true friend I had, was gone. My parents took me to her funeral and I remember being boosted up to see her laying in the coffin, I needed to have finality they said. I remember her mother talking to me that day and I understood from everyone's words that I would never see her again.

MILK TO WASH IT ALL DOWN - After that, I don't think I have ever had a relationship where I haven't struggled with finality. If there is a fight, I panic and just know without a doubt that the whole thing has ended. I question motives way too much in an attempt to see if the person is someone who will really stay put. However at the same time I will second guess every bit of proof the person shows. I will always assume it has ended if the person is mad at me. Little tiny things that shouldn't mean much end up being big signs of the impending doom. I will go out of my way to end a friendship if I feel that the friendship could be something strong and solid. I guess it is all out of fear of feeling what I felt all those years ago, in my mind everything ends.

So, what does all of this mean? As I sit here in the sun, soaking up everything it has to offer, I am left with one final thought. This moment, this "soaking up the sun" is how I want to live. My family and friends are emitting love and compassion that I so desperately need and I need to pull up a chair and soak in it. I don't need to question the presence of the sun this morning, it is there and it will be there tomorrow. So it should be with my friends and family.   The love, the friendship and the support that each of them has for me, I want to give back ten fold. I can only do that, with change, and if how I feel this morning has any indication of how well I will achieve this task, then I am feeling pretty confident about it.

Passwords

Fromses nowses onses, Ises haveses decidedeses thatses Ises willses ignorses theses socialses ruleses andses continueses toses makeses funses ofses peopleses whoses talkses funnyses. Thereses onceses waseses a dayses in whichses I metses a boyses, and the boyses madeses me very confuseses. I couldn'tses understanses thatses heses waseses speakingses Englisheses untilses I realizedeses that he wases addingses "ses" toses everyses wordeses.
 

Ok Ok OK

I deleted the last two posts because I totally wrote them in the middle of the night when I was on zero sleep and I was feeling like crap. So, in order to not hurt any feelings, I have deleted them. So... now I just need to think of something else a bit less harsh to say :)

Weekend clicked

It is simple, it just clicked. My weekend was so nice and I felt so relaxed. You know when things just click? Like when everything is just in a really good rhythm? I spent two days relaxing with friends and enjoying nature. We stayed up late talking about everything under the sun (and then some). I love moments like that! I wish it didn't have to end, but reality is that work starts early tomorrow.
Genuine happiness! Thanks!

Refocus

Every so often we tend to lose focus on what is important. When our brain finally catches up and brings us back around to where we should be, it gives us such a sense of relief. My focus was lost for about a month. I lost focus on several things, including my weight, physical health and emotional health. Out of the blue today I realized that I was focusing on minor things that were hurting my feelings and not focusing on the big picture. These minor things were causing me to lose my focus not only emotionally but THAT, in turn caused me to lose focus physically. As most of my family and friends know, I can be an emotional person, but this month I was way too emotional. I don't have regrets about it, I just wish I had not lost focus as much as I did.  I was so sensitive to the smallest peeps that happened. So, when I mentioned that fact today, a wonderful friend turned to me and reminded me of who I am and how much these minor things are not important to my real goals in life. I am a bit radical when I make decisions, and in that moment when I saw some clarity I made a decision. It feels so much better than I could have imagined. I just needed those few words to pull me back around and to allow me to trust in a friend.  Now I just wish it had happened last week, so I could have enjoyed this week much more than I did! Tomorrow, a new day full of the things that are important to me.

Rizzle Kicks

This band is in the top 40 this week and I kinda like the song. Let's get down with the trumpets!!!!  

Two steps forward then one step back.

You can imagine how frustrating it is to feel like you are taking two steps forward and one step back. Arduous the task at hand! Two choices, grab my bag and leave, or go to the bathroom and cry a little, pull myself together and return. Not worth getting overwhelmed ??? I really WISH that were the case. You lose a little of yourself every step lost. That feeling that pushed you on, almost gone. Let's sleep, perhaps tomorrow my two steps forward will stick.

Drum Drum Drum!

I may have mentioned this before and if I have, then I guess it is important enough to mention again.

When I was a child, I used to lay my back up against the speakers of my parents 8 track/ record player. I don't know if it was just because I was small, but these speakers used to seem really huge to me. I would sit there with the music really loud and just feel the base vibrating my insides. I know this was the first real connection I had with the emotions and sensations of music. Looking back at these moments now, I realize that I wasn't so much feeling the vibrations as I was feeling the emotions the vibrations were creating. I got accustomed to "feeling" the music, and it was difficult for me to enjoy music without leaning up against the speaker and allowing myself to enjoy it on another level. I sometimes wonder if I hear the same song that others hear because my focus tends to be on the base or foundation of the music.

I guess it was through the experience of "feeling" the music that I developed a love for the bass and then in turn for the drums. I was listening to a song today that had a snare drum in it, and this thought hit me... I have actually associated my moods at times to the drums. It was such a weird feeling when I realized that today I was actually feeling like a snare drum. I was feeling like that clear steel sound cutting through the background noise. Listen here! When everything around me is so noisy, I am very precise and crisp.  I thought about how I felt yesterday and I felt so much like the ewe drum. I had these moments yesterday that my heart was beating like the Ewe Drum! Listen here!